Undergoing a Wordectomy

EDITING

During my attempts to reduce my epic fantasy manuscript from 167,000 words to 140,000, I thought people might get a kick seeing surgical nitpicking.


Two paragraphs from the original: 


Temple Square. At last. Roaring, he burst through to the outside. Like the stairwell, the square was packed. The clamor of angry thousands reverberated off the temple’s high walls. The light of a great bonfire flickered in their wild eyes. From behind, Neeku placed his hands on a man’s shoulders and jumped up to see over. He had won the race; the branding cage door hung open. Empty.
          The man under him jerked away, shrieking. Neeku dashed off, his maroon eyes following trajectories of food being thrown through the smoky air by the fistful. Finally, after shoving aside one of the food-throwers, he spotted Kaliya bound and struggling, carried in the grips of four wernta patrolmen as they pushed through the mob toward the branding cage. (126 words)

My edits:

          Temple Square. At last. Roaring, he burst through to the outside. Like the stairwell, the square was packed. The clamor of angry thousands reverberated off the temple’s high walls. The light of a great bonfire flickered in their wild eyes. From behind, Neeku placed his hands on a man’s shoulders and jumped up to see over. He had won the race; the branding cage (was still) door hung open. E(e)mpty.

          The man under him jerked away, shrieking. Neeku dashed (away) off, his maroon eyes following trajectories of (flying) food(.) being thrown through the smoky air by the fistful. Finally, a(A)fter shoving aside (a) one of the food-throwers, he spotted Kaliya bound and struggling, carried in the grips of four wernta patrolmen as they pushed(ing) through the mob toward the branding cage.


My reasons:

- I cut ‘wild’ because the image of fire flickering in eyes coveys wildness – at least in this case.

- I cut ‘door hung open’ in favor of an intransitive ‘to be’ verb because the draft was attempting to ‘show’ what would be better ‘told’. I think ‘telling’ critical ideas when they occur at intense moments can sometimes quicken the pace, thereby adding to intensity. This isn’t always the case, but it works here.

- I changed ‘off’ to ‘away’ because, although the adverb ‘off’ is commonly used with ‘dashed’, Neeku has his hands on somebody’s shoulders, and he’s pushing himself up to see over. So ‘off’ confuses between getting ‘off’ the man’s shoulders and dashing ‘away’. Which is what I changed it to, leaving ‘getting off the man’s shoulders implied’.

- I cut ‘his maroon’ because it isn’t necessary to draw attention to that right now. Besides, he can’t see them.


- I cut the adjective phrase ‘being thrown through the smoky air by the fistful’ because it’s a passive description, long, and more importantly, the idea that it would be flying because it is being thrown is suggested earlier in the chapter. ‘Food-throwers’ in the following sentence reinforces it. So ‘flying’ will do.

- I cut adverb ‘finally’ because it serves no purpose.

- I cut ‘one of the’ [food-throwers] because it’s indefinite. We don’t know exactly which one. Why use a phrase to perform the task of the indefinite article ‘a’?

- I dropped ‘carried’ in favor of ‘struggling’ because ‘carried’ is passive in this construction and it’s more interesting to see her actively ‘struggling’. And it doesn’t matter if she’s being carried or hauled along. The reader gets the idea, no need to micromanage.

- I cut ‘as they’ because why use an adverbial clause when an adjective phrase will do? Also I think it steadies the reader’s focus on Kaliya by not introducing a second subject ‘they’.

- although there should be a comma separating adverb phrases ‘through the mob’ and ‘toward the branding cage’, I don’t think its addition would clarify meaning (in this case).

My result:

          Temple Square. At last. Roaring, he burst through to the outside. Like the stairwell, the square was packed. The clamor of angry thousands reverberated off the temple’s high walls. The light of a great bonfire flickered in their eyes. From behind, Neeku placed his hands on a man’s shoulders and jumped up to see over. He had won the race; the branding cage was still empty.

          The man under him jerked away, shrieking. Neeku dashed away, eyes following trajectories of flying food. After shoving aside a food-thrower, he spotted Kaliya bound and struggling in the grips of four wernta patrolmen pushing through the mob toward the branding cage.

(108 words)

I have reduced the two paragraphs by 18 words or 14%.


16% overall reduces the manuscript to 140,000 words.

Hard work, but perhaps it’ll make a better read.